When it hits you, you become destabilized to the point of doing things you do not want to do. It can appear very vicious and overwhelming. You feel misunderstood. You don't even understand it yourself. It can also be very sneaky and silence you. It is the illusion of a trap that seems so real that it becomes our reality. We feel separated from everyone, all alone, and our narrow stream of thoughts becomes very dark and makes us cold. We feel judgement, shame and guilt, and at times, all at once. The fears come intensely alive and the anxiety kicks in. The not knowing how we will get through this feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and loneliness creates such a huge internal “messy mess”. Thoughts keeps coming in and they terrify us. We may look for a way out through drugs or alcohol. We crave this boost of pleasure to numb this indescribable chaos within us. The feeling of being stuck is the only option we can see and we feel and experience it 100% of the time. It doesn’t leave us. This does not mean it is the truth, but, when that is the only option we feel, perceive and believe, it becomes our truth.
Your name alone (mental illness) used to scare the sh%t out of me. The difficulty of accepting it, that I was experiencing it, created this huge intense resistance within me which resulted in this massive and heavy knot in my chest.
I would like to now write something to you, to mental illness, to inspire others to see exactly what I am pointing at.
Dear mental Illness, I now understand that we all experience you on many different levels. The world is the reflection of the mental health and state of being of all people, all combined into one. It can't be judged, for we are all responsible. The changes we want to make in the world must first start within each and every one of us. As soon as we begin to judge others or ourselves, it is a reaction based out of ignorance.
All of the words that were spoken over us, all of the things we were exposed too, all of our perceptions of society that we sometimes can't see ourselves fitting into, all of our beliefs that go unquestioned and, mostly, all of the misunderstandings surrounding success and failure, of winning and losing, of rich and poor, of good and bad, of right and wrong, of set back and set up, of beautiful and ugly, of strength and weakness, of positive and negative, etc., and etc., have molded us into becoming unconscious slaves of judgement and keep us from discovering whatever this experience has to offer us. We can use these words to comprehend each other through our dialogues, however, it must be without the attachment of the significance of these words.
To all people struggling with mental illness, let us come to the realization that we are made out of water, and that water nourishes all things effortlessly. That is what we are made of. Powerful! This is our basic human nature, without ideology, thoughts or beliefs of any kind. We are just born that way. In water there are literally gazillions of crystals of all shapes and sizes and unique forms. By analyzing the crystals, we can identify if they are in "good or poor condition". This is like your own state of being. To reverse the broken crystals, it has been scientifically proven that you need the intention of kindness, peace, love and this points directly at the energetic aspect of these intentional values. You basically good energetic vibration. This has nothing to do with your outlook on life at the moment, an outlook that can be as blurry as water that is heavily polluted. The circumstances do not need to change for the crystals to become clear once again. It begins to change when you consciously chose kindness rather then self inflicted pain, like being hard on yourself. By changing you (as the crystal) you then change the experiences you are having and then the circumstances will begin to make complete sense and, in fact, perhaps even unpredictably change into something so beautiful you would not have been able to imagine it through your blurry and conditioned mind. When your inner ocean becomes clear, realization comes, as does discovery and understanding, and you are awakened from this illusion of being trapped.
At the beginning of this letter to mental illness, I wrote that I desired to inspire others to see what I am pointing at. I am pointing at this as an “inside job” for you to look at. I am pointing at dropping down all of your judgement of the world, of society, of other people and, especially, of yourself. I am pointing at accepting whatever experiences you are having, to accept whatever thoughts that may emerge, to accept the pain and suffering you are experiencing, to accept not seeing clearly at the moment, and to accept not knowing how everything will unfold for you. By accepting whatever is happening at the moment (including yourself and what you are experiencing), you are aligning yourself with openness. With that openness, you are ready to open up to that experience, and you will no longer judge that experience. By opening up, you are aligning yourself to receive. Once it is received, understood, realized and discovered, you will naturally give it back without the sense of having to give it back. It will happen naturally because you are made out of water and water effortlessly nourishes all things. Remember?
How exciting is this! I have witnessed it and experienced it. There is no need to compare because you will either feel less or more to whoever you compare yourself too. Just begin to see others as yourself where pride or shame do not exist. Be kind to yourself to change the crystal inside of you and remember to first start by accepting whatever is first.
When I accept my limits, I go beyond them.